“I’ve been invited to speak at a conference in Portugal this March,” I casually say to Tom as we’re sitting on the couch, watching episodes of Fargo. “Is it okay if I go?”
Of course, I don’t need his permission to travel at all; I’m an independent woman, and travel is part of my job. Even if his answer was a sweet, polite, “I’d really rather you stay home,” I’d still go.
But he is my fiancé, and we’re a huge part of each other’s lives. I feel the need to ask him because usually my travel plans offer very short notice, so I don’t want him to be surprised. I also want to make sure we have enough time to discuss the situation, should he feel emotional towards it.
That’s the life of a person who always has to leave behind the person they love, in order to travel. Deep down inside, we wish they could pack up their bags at a moment’s notice, and fly with us to a distant land. But it’s not always possible, and sometimes it can make the decision to leave a difficult one.
Many people might say, “Well if he/she really loved you, they’d go with you!” But this is not really a fair comment. Your significant other may love traveling, but their job does not allow them to take as much time off. Or maybe they don’t have the discipline to work remotely in such a freelance, nomadic style. But just because they can’t go, doesn’t mean you have to stay put too.
It can be hard to leave someone you love at home though. There will be experiences you have that you wish could be shared with them. Or places you will get to go, that they may never see. While solo travel is awesome, there is a lot to be said about traveling with the person you love. It makes the times you are able to do it all the more special.
Discussing the trip must be part of the plan. It’s not fair to drop a casual, “Oh by the way, I’ll be gone for a week, I’m going to Barcelona, peace out!” a day or two before your trip. Your partner might have made plans to spend time with you, or they might need time to prepare for your absence. You must be respectful of their time, and their feelings on the subject. If it were the opposite situation, how would you feel?
It is important to keep their thoughts and emotions in mind, but also do not let them override your decision to travel. There will be times when they become jealous, or resentful, or left out. That is why communication is so vital – without it, you may continue to hurt the person you love, or they may hurt you in return.
Keeping in contact while away is also important, but don’t feel like you have to check in with them every five minutes. You want to enjoy your travel experience, and that might be affected from spending hours on the phone with your significant other. Set up a time to chat, once a day if you feel like it, where you can both talk about your day, discuss any news, and say how much you miss each other.
Unfortunately, a question I hear all too often is, “Aren’t you afraid your boyfriend is going to cheat on you?” I can’t think about it that way. Firstly, my fiancé could cheat on me at any point in our lives – during our engagement, after we’re married, while I’m abroad, or while I’m at home. That’s not an excuse for that sort of behavior, but it’s certainly not a reason why someone should never travel without their partner.
Building trust to the point where both people in the relationship feel comfortable letting each other explore the world on their own is important. It doesn’t come easily, but it can definitely happen with time. Communication is the number one factor; discussing issues before they start, and respectfully hearing the other person’s concerns, is all a part of it.
Your partner may not like the idea of you traveling without him or her, and it may lie less with the idea of you being away, and more from a confidence issue within themselves. This may be hard to overcome, but likely manifests itself in other parts of your life as well. Sometimes traveling is a good test to see if you are able to handle these difficult emotions. If it seems to take too much away from your experience on the road, it may be time to reevaluate your current situation.
If travel is a passion of yours, it should always remain so. Everyone makes sacrifices when they enter into a relationship, but it’s important to balance your needs and make time for yourself as well. Hopefully your partner is supportive of your decision, and enjoys hearing your stories, or is inspired by them.
Traveling without a romantic partner can be very insightful, empowering, fun and adventurous. If you are able to create such an experience for yourself, do it! And don’t let anyone stand in your way.
All photos by Katka
Beautiful post, very inspiring too :). It's good to be able to go by yourself without having to worry about leaving your partner, I think that part of trust should be the basis of your being together, whether you're always together in the same country or not!
Traveling is fun but when you have to leave your loved ones, it can be hard. But i think you handle it well. Cool to have a job like that! :)
I love the post. Its very important to travel alone sometimes and explore things by yourself, have your own itinerary.
http://imyownmuse.blogspot.com
Me and my boyfriend are together now for 7 years. He don't like traveling, but I really do. He support me in every way he can. He has his own company, so he knows how important it is to realise your dreams. I really hate leaving him behind when I'm going to travel, but that's just the moment. Yes, I miss him, but I don't make me stop traveling.
Very moving post - it isn't easy leaving someone behind to explore new places. I spent a year apart from my ex when we both did years abroad (Venice and Melbourne: about as far apart as you can get!) and it was really tough. In the end the relationship didn't work out - not because of the travel itself, but because the distance just amplified all the things that were wrong in the relationship in the first place. So I think the opposite can be true as well: if a relationship is a healthy one, spending time apart can help to confirm that the relationship *is* right. Good luck in your relationship, and in your future travels! :-)
Working in theatre required me to be away from significant others a lot, and it's not easy, but with understanding from each other, it's possible. I also got asked about my boyfriend possibly cheating on me, and you're correct that if it were to happen, it could happen while you're at home, unfortunately. I think you just have to know each other and your relationship and have confidence in it that you wouldn't hurt each other like that. With any relationship, you have to keep communication open, respectful, and considerate with one another's feelings and opinions. I don't think anyone in any relationship should feel they have to compromise everything to be with someone else.
Wow, your blog post title caught my eye and it's like you were in my head!
I just recently met someone who has the potential to become more than a casual acquaintance. After years of on-my-own independence and no significant others on the horizon, and me not looking for them either.... it's odd that I should meet someone just as I am about to launch a travel lifestyle blog and 6 weeks away from a 6-week out-of-the-country trip. This project/ambition comes straight from my soul and feels like something I have been gearing up to do my whole life... and there is no way I would let someone stand in the way of it... yet so many questions open up in the face of this new possibility. Your post reinforced my natural inclination on the subject and it's nice to hear that what you do can co-exist with a steady relationship. Agreed that good communication is key, and if it's the right person for you, they will understand and support you, even if at times it could be challenging. Thank you so much for sharing.
Jodina <3 :)
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Hey Katka,
It's so Nice to hear someone else's opinion about this. I met this amazing guy right before I was supposed to leave on a 1 year or more trip. Having been single for so long I never expected it to happen. Of course I still went on My trip, he even joined in for a month but now I'm on the road alone and I guess we'll have to take it step by step. If you have any tips for me to deal with it longterm, you know where I live 😀. Oh and I do agree on the cheating comment, if it is something someone wants to do, whether you're closeby or far, it's not going to make a difference.
Greetings from Cambodia!
Marijs, www.rooftopantics.com
A great post! I literally just had this conversation with my partner as I was invited to speak at a conference in the USA in March. I can't wait to go and I don't want to stop myself from having experiences, but it's hard because I wish I could share it all with him. But like you said it's not as if he could drop everything to come along. So I'll go and when I'm back I'll be so excited to tell him all about it and reunite!
I couldn't agree more! Your urge to travel will always be there even if you suppress it for whatever reason. I lived apart from my partner for 3 years all in all because of me working and studying abroad (we are together for 13 years). Even if people around me couldn't always understand of what i was doing. I knew I had to do it, and even if my partner wasn't always happy about it, he understood and knew that's how I am. Communication is key, definetly. And I guess, you'd regret it at some point if you'd stay home always.
Amazing post. Well done! I really love your blog. Keep Going.
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Lady Fur
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Good on you. if anything, enduring the hardships of time and distance apart, and the adjustment when you return has probably strengthened your relationship, and given you a deeper understanding and appreciation of each others needs. Although you are not always physically together, you are together, and making your relationship work through those hurdles is what will make you stronger. A very inspiring post! :)